Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
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FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms