@treydayway

Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials

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@sixfootcandy

No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.

@notalogin

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

@iamspacegirl

Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.

Her: I can hear you.

Me: she could hear me

@jazmasta

[making small talk at a business function]
“You’re 35 aren’t you?”
“No, I’m 38”
“Oh right”
[long silence]
“Did you used to be 35?”

@RapFavorites

During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.

His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”

#FreeRocky

@danjan13

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

@TacoFelines

Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks

*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother

@dlsims01

My co worker is so mad at me right now her eyes are bulging out like a pug. I don’t know wether to call 911 or scratch her behind the ears.

@NoTheOtherJohn

[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover