Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
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I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
tis the season
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.