@MantisBlue

Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.

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@TheAndrewNadeau

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

@PS_IRuddYou

Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…

That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…

@schumoo

My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.

@rad_milk

i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them

@ericsshadow

One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.

@CulturedRuffian

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.

@ZachXJ

I lost 50 pounds by having my wallet stolen in London AND YOU CAN TOO

@Amburglar_

According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.