Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
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My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.