Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.

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time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain


Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…

That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…


My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.


i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them


One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.


PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.


I lost 50 pounds by having my wallet stolen in London AND YOU CAN TOO


According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.