time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
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Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
I lost 50 pounds by having my wallet stolen in London AND YOU CAN TOO
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
onlyenemies … for 4.95 a month i will make your life a living hell…