Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
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I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.