Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
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“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
next level snooze
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake