Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
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I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.