@momjeansplease

Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.

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@UncleDuke1969

SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?

SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.

@Jenny4ashley

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂

@AngelaEhh

My dentist said I have a very wet mouth.

*Updates dating profile.

@10InchesPlus

Boxed wine: Because corkscrews are dangerous after the second bottle.

@DancesWithTamis

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck

@riley_fox

ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii

@conarck

My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.

@Tmoney68

According to my neighbor’s journal, I have “boundary isues.”

@morgan_murphy

Trump is the closest thing I have to a baby. I check to see if he’s up first thing in the morning then I spend the rest of the day telling people at work what he said.

@ItsAndyRyan

“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”