Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
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*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Oh we’ve met.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.