Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.

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[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww


If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.



What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?


$2000 date? We better be sitting at the table with Jay-Z and Obama at the same time while eating dinosaurs & sippin’ on virgin Indian tears.


Just waved back at someone at the gym who was waving at the person behind me and now I’m looking for a new gym.


Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.


Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games


I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.


DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say