Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.

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therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants


I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…


So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —

And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out


Weird how childhood memories are cloudy with a few very clear moments. Anyway, I remember when I was little there was a lady who pulled a hand full of loose Fritos from her coat pocket in the middle of a drug store and I don’t remember any of the 5th grade.


If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.


Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.


Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.


[during sex]

If you say Jesus backwards it sounds like Sausage.


cop: do you know why i pulled u over?

me: was i speeding?

cop: no

me: was my tail light out?

cop: no

me: is it because u need a hug

cop: yes


cop: also because there’s an arm hanging out of your trunk