Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
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its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.