@coffeeandvinyl1

Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.

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@Coolisiana

INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME:

INTERVIEWER:

ME:

MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?

@TheAlexNevil

“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”

@Everette

iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same

@yonewt

Sometimes I get flustered by waitresses and I say things like “Abso-fruit-ly!” and they laugh like I’m so clever but we both know

@SmurfetteDE

Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.

@Brianhopecomedy

You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.

@Desert_Musings

Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.

Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!

@ClichedOut

(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.