Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
You Might Also Like
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.