Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.

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INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?




MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself


[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?


“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”


iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same


Sometimes I get flustered by waitresses and I say things like “Abso-fruit-ly!” and they laugh like I’m so clever but we both know


Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.


You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.


Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.

Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!


(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.