Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
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Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Stop sending me this shit.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.