so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
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Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
I’m not stressed
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..