Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
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johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park