@mcjamie

Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!

Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)

@TheWinegasm

“I just love a man in uniform”

~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes

@ThatBrenna

West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.

@TheTimeIGotHigh

“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”

@SamGrittner

Every horse you’ve ever seen has two people inside them. Horses aren’t real. Commitment is.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.

@bvinson23

I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.

Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.

@juhipande

I woke up because of birds chirping.nI wish I had wings too.nI would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one. n6 am is too early.

@LeanneMacco

Any governments / terrorist groups looking to rule by fear should get some tips from spiders.

@hythemafia

Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….

…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless