Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.

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Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)


“I just love a man in uniform”

~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes


West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.


“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”


Every horse you’ve ever seen has two people inside them. Horses aren’t real. Commitment is.


My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.


I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.

Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.


I woke up because of birds chirping.nI wish I had wings too.nI would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one. n6 am is too early.


Any governments / terrorist groups looking to rule by fear should get some tips from spiders.


Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….

…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless