My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
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ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu