I am in:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
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#ItsTheEndOfTheWorldAnd I’m going to run with scissors and swim immediately after eating!!!
I’m not slurring, I’m speaking in cursive.
replying to work emails like “So sorry for the late response! If it helps, I also haven’t talked to any of my loved ones recently.”
[Interrupts the wedding vows] it’s open bar right?
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
[aquaman origin story]
*falls out of boat*
help! im drowni- oh… no, im good, actually
When my roommate won’t wash the dishes I always leave a note’hey please do the dishes, because I will wash one knife & use it in your sleep’
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”