@1fragmentedmind

Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

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@PopeAwesomeXIII

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

@bigmacher

#ItsTheEndOfTheWorldAnd I’m going to run with scissors and swim immediately after eating!!!

@FeelingFisky

replying to work emails like “So sorry for the late response! If it helps, I also haven’t talked to any of my loved ones recently.”

@jellybnbonanza

My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

@trojansauce

[aquaman origin story]

*falls out of boat*
help! im drowni- oh… no, im good, actually

@zachreinert03

When my roommate won’t wash the dishes I always leave a note’hey please do the dishes, because I will wash one knife & use it in your sleep’

@SwedishCanary

Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…