My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He’s doing a 3 year stretch.
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I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Wife: How was the bathroom?
Me: The bathroom attendant doesn’t come in and help when you yell “WIPE” from the stall