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Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.


Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops


Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff


I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?

Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house


On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing


the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor


Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.


Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming


popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things


Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.