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@StewieTea2

My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He’s doing a 3 year stretch.

@amydillon

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

@TheRealNickKay

SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox

@TheRolo

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…

Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.

Me: Oh ok nevermind.

@moxieblogger

Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women

@AudreyPorne

I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money

@Retacof

Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.

@ellentee

You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.

@OctopusCaveman

Doctor: I have good news and bad news

Me: What’s the good news?

Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way

@Mr_Kapowski

[fancy restaurant]

Wife: How was the bathroom?

Me: The bathroom attendant doesn’t come in and help when you yell “WIPE” from the stall