No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
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Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
My birth announcement for our third baby
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
sin harder.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.