@wolfmannjr

Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes

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@Puncroaker

Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.

@notalogin

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

@CornOnTheGoblin

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha

@karencheee

Happy that I paid $ for a gym membership to exercise the little neuron in my brain that argues whether I should go to the gym every day

@NYC_Blonde

Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.

@AudreyPorne

if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.

@TweetPotato314

Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.

@ReneeColvert

*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*

*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*