Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes

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Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.


[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin


[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha


Happy that I paid $ for a gym membership to exercise the little neuron in my brain that argues whether I should go to the gym every day


Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.


if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.


Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.


*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*

*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*