Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.

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me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi


Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.


me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time


*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*


90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.


The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.


Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.


“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?