Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
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My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*