Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.

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CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless

Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right

*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*


Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47


“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”

“By mistake?”

“Not you as well”.


Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–


I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.


Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.


me: did you check the suggestion box
boss: we don’t have a suggestion box we have a paper shredder