@BatBatshitcrazy

Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.

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@ShortSleeveSuit

CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless

Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right

*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*

@sageboggs

Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47

@DanielEdison_

“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”

“By mistake?”

“Not you as well”.

@TaranKillam

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

@meghaffer

I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.

@Rollinintheseat

Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.

@ruinedpicnic

me: did you check the suggestion box
boss: we don’t have a suggestion box we have a paper shredder
me: MY DRAWINGS