Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
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Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be