Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
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the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Here’s a meme
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
opening twitter today
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.