Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
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me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I used to be married, but I’m better now
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
sigh
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?