I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Some people are down to earth while others are not quite far down enough.
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My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Gramma gramma gramma gramma gramma chameleon she’s old and cold she’s old and coooooold
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.