@RamblingMachine

Some people are down to earth while others are not quite far down enough.

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@TequilaTears

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

@MissHavisham

My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.

@robdelaney

I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.

@daddydoubts

New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.

Me: want some advice?

New dad: please!

Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.

New dad: okay.

Me: step 2 drink it all.

@GingerHotDish

Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”

…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.

@lazerdoov

Gramma gramma gramma gramma gramma chameleon she’s old and cold she’s old and coooooold

@VibesBummer

Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.

@Marlebean

NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!

@beefman138

Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.

Me : Flow away, I’m busy.