Some people are down to earth while others are not quite far down enough.

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last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex


Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.


“Sir, I need you to explain your resume.”
Well, my pet tiger & I were beloved cartoon characters
“Current job?”
I pee on things I don’t like


I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.


When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.

But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”


[argument w/girlfriend]

HER: you know what your problem is?

ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out


“Will u make me breakfast tomorrow?”

No, you’d be disappointed.



“Don’t say it-”

Omelette u down.

“Please leave.”