ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
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Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Date tip: buy a calendar
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
*gets hit by car*
Friend: HOLY SHIT ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: I need.. My phone.. Please..
Me:YALL WON’T BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED