@PeaceInTruth1

Some people are glistening beacons of nope.

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@ClichedOut

ME: i joined CrossFit

PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin

@Fred_Delicious

Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎

Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”

@BoomBoomBetty

I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.

@dave_cactus

[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”

@ohthatbadger

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.

@murfect

*gets hit by car*
Friend: HOLY SHIT ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: I need.. My phone.. Please..
*opens Twitter*
Me:YALL WON’T BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED