Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
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DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.