Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
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GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]