@tropicalenvy

Some people are just better left alone.

In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.

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@Reverend_Scott

WAITER: Can I take your order?

CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?

WAITER: …Dad?

CUSTOMER: …son?

[they embrace, finally reunited]

DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself

@Book_Krazy

Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…

Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.

@Freudianscript

I’m not real good at talking my way out of trouble, since it’s the talking that got me in to trouble in the first place.

@FloodyHippie

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

@realHamOnWry

My Voodoo doll would be a glazed ham wrapped in chicken feathers.

@carlyken

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

@TheAndrewNadeau

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.