Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
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Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?