me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
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DON’T TELL ME CAGE CAN’T BE THE ELEPHANT’S NAME BECAUSE THERE’S NO COMMA WHEN THERE’S NO COMMA IN FROSTY THE SNOWMAN!!!
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
ME: Hi I’d like to check my balance
BANK TELLER: *shoves me*
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that
ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.