Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
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I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
That took me a moment.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
🤣🤣