@samalmightysam

Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

- @samalmightysam

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@Not_James_Vogel

Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.

@SnarkyMommy78

Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.

@Dirty_Naomi

I’ve decided to retire on Monday & live off my savings.

Don’t know what I will do on Tuesday though?

@SketchesbyBoze

millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.

@awescar

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*

@PetrickSara

Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.

@tigersgoroooar

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.

@TheToddWilliams

ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?

DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow

ME: Can I shake hands with people?

DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them

ME: …

DOCTOR: …

ME: …

DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one

@LeaMehanna

I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out