Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
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#polloftheday
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
79.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer: