Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
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Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out