@bourgeoisalien

Some people are shocked when they find out I have a degree from Harvard. It’s not my degree, found it at a yard sale. But still, I have it.

Some people are shocked when they find out I have a degree from Harvard. It’s not my degree, found it at a yard sale. But still, I have it.

- @bourgeoisalien

You Might Also Like

@HannahSymmonds

Him: It’s so damn sexy when women bite their lip

Me: Like this?

Him: The bottom lip.

@_salt_n_lime

Me: I don’t like anyone enough to live with them.

Friend: You’re married with 4 kids.

Me: I said what I said.

@fuzzlime

*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”

@MoneypennyNaked

Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.

*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*

@Phlegmingway

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

@Aikiwomannc

Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.

@debon7

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

@TheyCallMeMaaaa

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

@Reverend_Scott

“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”

– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car