I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
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there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.