I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
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Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
If you breakdance you buy dance.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]