1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
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Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf