Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

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It’s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.


We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.


Wifi- Are you comfortable? Like really comfortable?
Me- Yeah, why?
Wifi- BYE


If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday


Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.


I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.


……bless you
……bless you
……bless you


If Iron Man and Silver Surfer teamed up, they would be alloys.


The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.


Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.