@fillthevacuum

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

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@Just_Lee_

It’s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.

@ojedge

We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.

@JeremyKCMO

Wifi- Are you comfortable? Like really comfortable?
Me- Yeah, why?
Wifi- BYE

@pilau

If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday

@MichaelTrying

Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.

@Thaat_guy

I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.

@badAzz_mom

*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!

@manda_tee1

If Iron Man and Silver Surfer teamed up, they would be alloys.

@jlock17

The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.

@nnnatchos

Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.