Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
You Might Also Like
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice