Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
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Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.