“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.

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Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.

Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.


Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.


what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*


[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i… just… told you?


If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?

~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.


me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this

midwife: she won’t


So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”


anyone here with one leg? i have a ton of socks you can have


I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.


Apparently just sitting here on my new lawn furniture drinking my Vodka & minding my business is disturbing to other Target guests.