@GlennyRodge

“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.

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@Sweetonme81

Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.

Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.

@mikeleffingwell

Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.

@murrman5

what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*

@panmidwest

[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i… just… told you?

@Gupton68

If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?

~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.

@MarfSalvador

me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this

midwife: she won’t

@matt_travelling

So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”

@osno13

anyone here with one leg? i have a ton of socks you can have

@heatherlou_

I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.

@runawaycupcake

Apparently just sitting here on my new lawn furniture drinking my Vodka & minding my business is disturbing to other Target guests.