“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
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What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
We need to put an American base on the sun
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.