@ArfMeasures

“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup

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@esmexoo

Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye

@Sal0630

Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee

@GingerHotDish

[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.

@cravin4

Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.

@TheTweetOfGod

Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.

@shaztaberry

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

@TheAlexNevil

Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.

@buttcrunchy

“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?

@KeetPotato

[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”

@ByYourLogic

i’m every guy who says he’s taking a twitter break for mental health reasons and then returns 6 hours later