“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup

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Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye


Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee


[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.


Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.


Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.


I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.


Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.


“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?


[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”


i’m every guy who says he’s taking a twitter break for mental health reasons and then returns 6 hours later