Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
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About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
mumsnet is amazing
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.