“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
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Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
That lamp looks PISSED.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.