Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
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“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.