when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
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NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean