Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
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Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.