I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
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her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
There’s awkward, and then there’s listening to a man try to have a conversation with his hairdresser.
DATING TIP: Surprise your date! Show up a day early.