Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
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If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Goat cheese is for herders.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
#CoronaOutbreak
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.