@LostFelicia

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

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@AimeeHelene1

I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.

@ClichedOut

her: i’m breaking up with u

me: we can work this out Linda

her: it’s Lydia

@WheelTod

To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR

@TheAndrewNadeau

EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

@charliedelta7

I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.

@NurseSeymour

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

@JohnLyonTweets

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

@NervousJr

There’s awkward, and then there’s listening to a man try to have a conversation with his hairdresser.