Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

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Fortune teller: Your love life will–

Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?


Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.


NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.


I am the kind of person who will restart a song because I got distracted and wasn’t appreciating it enough


Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.


Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this


the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts


I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper



Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”

Me: “He’s my service dog.”

My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”