Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
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Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
I am the kind of person who will restart a song because I got distracted and wasn’t appreciating it enough
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”