ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
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No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
constantly working on myself.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.