some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
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Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula