@JurassicPark2go

some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures

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@stephenjmolloy

Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”

@Elizasoul80

They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”

@dmc1138

Every TV commercial right now: “You’re not just a customer, you’re family.”

All of us: “That’s actually worse.”

@ThatMummyLife

Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?

Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…

@Kennycruzin

When one squirrel says “I like to eat nuts”, there is probably always another squirrel who says “that’s what she said.”

@Kendragarden

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

@eff_yeah_steph

Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?

God: Yes.

Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?

God: Horizontal Pupils

Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*

God: YouTube is gonna love you.

@lmegordon

4: Let’s play.

Me: Ok.

4: You can be the mommy.

Me: Sure.

4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.

Me: Nope, I’m out.