Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
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They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Every TV commercial right now: “You’re not just a customer, you’re family.”
All of us: “That’s actually worse.”
i don’t think i can go back to a white president
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
When one squirrel says “I like to eat nuts”, there is probably always another squirrel who says “that’s what she said.”
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
4: Let’s play.
4: You can be the mommy.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.