@JurassicPark2go

some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures

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@evanrhorne

I quit my job today!! The money from that Nigerian king arrives tomorrow, I’m so excited.

@DaddyJew

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

@TheCatWhisprer

I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.

@too_chihuahua

Dad I’m gay
*Dad rips newspaper*
“WHAT”
I like guys dad
“Oh thank god. I thought you were happy for a second”

@Parker_Simpson

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

@AmericanGent69

Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?

Priest: We’re in Church!

Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.

@minafisheyes

Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.

@TEXASVETERAN

How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?

@ben_rosen

*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*

this bar is not in space

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.

Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*