I quit my job today!! The money from that Nigerian king arrives tomorrow, I’m so excited.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
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I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Dad I’m gay
*Dad rips newspaper*
I like guys dad
“Oh thank god. I thought you were happy for a second”
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*