Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
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Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.