Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
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When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
All excellent questions
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks