@spacej_me

Some people have sex to make a baby but I prefer the old fashioned way of capturing a wild baby, and that’s how I ended up in jail

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@notshivi

Everyone prepare yourself for National “How is it May already?” Day coming up tomorrow where people who don’t know how calendars work tweet.

@TheBoghdady

“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”

@littlemzbadass

The four stages of a day off:

1. I will do so much stuff
2. Later I’ll do lots of stuff
3. Eventually, I’ll do some stuff
4. Oh no.

@bydanielvictor

I feel so bad for people who don’t like sports. They never experience the thrill of maybe being happy once every 10-20 years

@Buffalojilll

There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

@curlycomedy

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.

@jessokfine

I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.

@thatUPSdude

Turns out HR doesn’t care if it’s national underwear day, you have to wear pants to work.