Some people have sex to make a baby but I prefer the old fashioned way of capturing a wild baby, and that’s how I ended up in jail

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Everyone prepare yourself for National “How is it May already?” Day coming up tomorrow where people who don’t know how calendars work tweet.


“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”


The four stages of a day off:

1. I will do so much stuff
2. Later I’ll do lots of stuff
3. Eventually, I’ll do some stuff
4. Oh no.


I feel so bad for people who don’t like sports. They never experience the thrill of maybe being happy once every 10-20 years


There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.


I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.


The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.


I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.


Turns out HR doesn’t care if it’s national underwear day, you have to wear pants to work.